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Satire: Mercury Deficiency Threatens Global Health

Anthony Gucciardi
January 10th, 2012
Updated 11/06/2012 at 9:04 pm
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mercuryspoon 210x131 Satire: Mercury Deficiency Threatens Global Health

Are you deficient in the vital nutrient mercury? According to new reports by the CDC (Centers for Disease Creation), you may be direly deficient in mercury, leading to problems like vibrant health and properly functioning organs. Thankfully, a cure does exist.

In response to the widespread deficiency, the CDC is now recommending that everyone consume as much mercury-filled high-fructose corn syrup as possible. It would seem that considering most Americans consume the majority of their calories from high-fructose corn syrup, that deficiency would not arise. However, officials believe that natural health websites may to be blame for halting the heavy consumption of mercury-containing processed foods. According to Jacob Johnson of the AMA (American Monopoly Association), these websites are discouraging individuals from receiving enough mercury in their daily diets:

“What we’re seeing is a number of websites advocating healthy eating and diets free of processed foods. The problem with this is that people are actually starting to become healthy and experience side effects such as happiness, fat loss, and greater success in life. Our concern is that people are not consuming enough mercury-containing processed foods in their diet to help remove the side effects. We have issued a code red health warning to citizens across the globe to increase their intake of processed foods by about 5,000%. Optimally, individuals will consume a diet consisting of only fried potato chips and sodas under our new food guidelines,” stated Johnson.

Side Effects of Serious Mercury Deficiency

You may be wondering how to tell if you are suffering from a serious mercury deficiency. Thankfully, the Centers for Disease Creation has detailed the complete list of side effects associated with this serious condition. It is recommended that you see a doctor to ensure that this is the correct disease, as you may also be suffering from an equally-serious pesticide deficiency which exhibits similar problems. The side effects that you should be aware of when determining whether or not you are deficient in mercury and processed foods are:

  • Increased activity levels
  • Elevated mood
  • Accelerated fat loss
  • Mental clarity
  • Improved overall health
  • Enhanced physical fitness

If you experience ANY of these life-enhancing conditions, the Centers for Disease Creation has stated that you should immediately seek processed food and eat as much as you can, elevating your mercury levels to relieve yourself of these symptoms. Educate your friends and family about the serious threat of mercury deficiency – before they become too healthy!

About Anthony Gucciardi:
1.thumbnail Satire: Mercury Deficiency Threatens Global HealthGoogle Plus ProfileAnthony is the Editor of NaturalSociety whose work has been read by millions worldwide and is routinely featured on major alternative and mainstream news website alike, including the powerful Drudge Report, NaturalNews, Daily Mail, and many others. Anthony has appeared on programs like Russia Today (RT), Savage Nation, The Alex Jones Show, Coast to Coast AM, and many others. Anthony is also dedicated to aiding various non-profit organizations focused around health and rehabilitation as well as the creator of the independent political website Storyleak

From around the web:

  • Teodora E. McElhaney

    It is good that Mercury found in dental sealants were stopped. A hazard to everyone and offers no benefit.

  • Bill LaChenal

    This is silly.

    Everyone knows that when a Dentist from the Church of AMA lays hands upon mercury (or upon sodium floride, for that matter), it miraculously becomes non-toxic and beneficial.

    It has been Scientifically proven by corporate industry.

    All anyone has to do is to get a mendicant Dentist (from the Church of AMA) to endorse the consumption of hi-mercury fructose, and all will be well.

  • Mrs. Winn

    I never have to worry about becoming mercury deficient because I had 10 wonderful mercury fillings put in my teeth when I was just a child! Of course I also got all the benefits of doing poorly in school and being a very sick child. I was even lucky enough to qualify for continual antibiotic use because of all the resulting problems with my kidneys and bladder. So, stop putting up with a healthy life style. You too can experience the mind numbing life I’ve had; all you have to do is find a Dentist. If you don’t have any cavities, don’t worry, just make sure it’s a Dentist that belongs to the ADA (American Death Association), they’ll put them in whether you need them or not! You see, when your dentist belongs to the ADA, they don’t have to think for themselves, they just do what the ADA tells them.

    • Margi

      Mrs. Winn, you just told my story in a nutshell. Aren't we blessed to have had those mercury fillings! I also did poorly in school and suffer from a myriad of health issues to this day. I had all of my fillings removed by a MERCURY SAFE dentist about a year and a half ago, but will never recover from 40 years of chronic mercury poisoning. Thank you ADA for looking out for me and millions of others who are now suffering from serious mercury deficiency!

  • Mr Green

    After reading this article, I decided to go to my dentist and subsequently had several unecessary mercury fillings. Already I can feel the benefits, greater mental clarity, a feeling of warm well-being and no more premature ejaculation!!

    Whenever I do get a bit down, I just chew on a thermometer, perks me right up.