Satire: Mercury Deficiency Threatens Global Health

Satire: Mercury Deficiency Threatens Global Health
Posted on

Natural Society

Are you deficient in the vital nutrient mercury? According to new reports by the CDC (Centers for Disease Creation), you may be direly deficient in mercury, leading to problems like vibrant health and properly functioning organs. Thankfully, a cure does exist.

In response to the widespread deficiency, the CDC is now recommending that everyone consume as much mercury-filled high-fructose corn syrup as possible. It would seem that considering most Americans consume the majority of their calories from high-fructose corn syrup, that deficiency would not arise. However, officials believe that natural health websites may to be blame for halting the heavy consumption of mercury-containing processed foods. According to Jacob Johnson of the AMA (American Monopoly Association), these websites are discouraging individuals from receiving enough mercury in their daily diets:

“What we’re seeing is a number of websites advocating healthy eating and diets free of processed foods. The problem with this is that people are actually starting to become healthy and experience side effects such as happiness, fat loss, and greater success in life. Our concern is that people are not consuming enough mercury-containing processed foods in their diet to help remove the side effects. We have issued a code red health warning to citizens across the globe to increase their intake of processed foods by about 5,000%. Optimally, individuals will consume a diet consisting of only fried potato chips and sodas under our new food guidelines,” stated Johnson.

Side Effects of Serious Mercury Deficiency

You may be wondering how to tell if you are suffering from a serious mercury deficiency. Thankfully, the Centers for Disease Creation has detailed the complete list of side effects associated with this serious condition. It is recommended that you see a doctor to ensure that this is the correct disease, as you may also be suffering from an equally-serious pesticide deficiency which exhibits similar problems. The side effects that you should be aware of when determining whether or not you are deficient in mercury and processed foods are:

  • Increased activity levels
  • Elevated mood
  • Accelerated fat loss
  • Mental clarity
  • Improved overall health
  • Enhanced physical fitness

If you experience ANY of these life-enhancing conditions, the Centers for Disease Creation has stated that you should immediately seek processed food and eat as much as you can, elevating your mercury levels to relieve yourself of these symptoms. Educate your friends and family about the serious threat of mercury deficiency – before they become too healthy!