Study Finds Junkfood is Essential to Live, Contains Vital Nutrient “Junk” (Satire)

Study Finds Junkfood is Essential to Live, Contains Vital Nutrient “Junk” (Satire)
General Health

A new study done by the Medical Organization for the Regulatory Objective of Natural Sciences (M.O.R.O.N.S.) has revealed the unimagined: junk food contains a life-giving nutrient labeled Junk. That’s right, MSG-laden doughnuts and aspartame-filled diet sodas are actually something your body needs! What’s even more stunning is the fact that the research shows your body might be deficient in this essential nutrient of Junk, leading to diseases like cancer and diabetes. Could Junk be the cure for cancer?

This amazing research has truly changed science as we know it, and the very fabric that held together our previous dietary misconceptions! Splenda used to be considered absolutely toxic to your body due to it’s affects on digestion, weight gain, and diabetes. Now, we can simply pour hundreds of packets into our mouth, and wash it down with blended up Oreos!

Don’t Do Anything!

This research proves what Americans have been saying all along! There’s no need to exercise when you can sit, and there’s no reason to sit when you can lay down! This study proves that it’s now impossible to do any good through exercise, or even moving. Therefore, don’t move! Sit there all day! Who cares!

Millions Around the World are Trying to Satisfy Their Body’s Need for Junk

The general public thought that the millions around the globe who were eating everything in sight were simply gluttonous and overweight. Now we have come to realize these men were geniuses! Through their extensive research they must have realized that Junk was present in such food sources, enabling them to long life and a disease-free world. These people are the real heroes that we should honor for their founding of Junk. What would we do without them?

The Make-up of Junk

The make-up of Junk is extremely complex and potent. Due to the overload of neurotoxins and chemically engineered ingredients within the food, it creates the opposite effect. Thanks to huge corporations like Monsanto spending billions to genetically splice the seeds of just about every crop they can get their hands on, now we are able to reap the benefits of Junk.

Since Monsanto and other companies polluted the food supply with zombie-esque crops and seeds, a quantum black hole effect occurred: the food was so satiated with degenerative ingredients that all of them counteracted each other and turned into a magical ingredient! Wow, thanks Monsanto! As if that weren’t healthy already, it appears that the extensive use of harmful pesticides and illegal farming practices in South America also contributed to the compilation of Junk.

Luckily for the people of the United States not only do we get a chance to eat Monsanto-created zombie foods, but we also can enjoy the pesticide-drenched crops delivered directly from South America from our shores. In fact, the farming practices in South America have been banned in the United States for quite some time, but as long as it’s done before they bring them here, then that’s okay!

In Reality

Satirical humor aside, this article is both humorous but also informative. The practices of adding deadly chemicals to the food is indeed real, and it is something that is greatly affecting the health of the world. Beyond the additives previously listed in this article such as MSG and aspartame, there is a much stranger corruption of the food supply. With the addition of genetically modified foods (GMO) into the food chain, only time and extensive study can fully calculate the end result.

As of right now, there have been numerous studies showing not only the negative effects of GMO foods in regards to health, but also the effects of GMO foods on the very genetic coding of the body. Seeing as the modification process involves the alteration of the plant or seed’s genetic structure, it is obvious that there will be a reaction inside the body. An example of this that has actually been done is adding pig genes to a tomato to get it to be larger and juicier. The body was not designed to recognize pig genetics inside of a tomato, changing it’s composition.

Playing with nature to such an extent has always proven to be a mistake, and will continue to do so in the future. Stay away from foods containing these harmful ingredients, and always check the labels.